Dancing on my own

In the past weeks I have been longing to write again a blog post, but I couldn’t find inspiration anymore and that typical urge that usually makes me write up my emotions.
Today is different. I’m on travel in Spain and enjoying a superb view on the seaside. I feel my urge to write has been re-activated again. In an recent adoption event, someone also told me that it has been a while since I posted on my blog – that helps too 🙂

However, while looking what to write about, I was reviewing my past posts and also some draft articles. I fully recognized myself in my write-up of exactly 1 year ago…

Although my life is starting to change in a positive direction, I think the below write-up is still worthwhile to be shared with you.

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“And I’m in the corner… Why can’t you see me?” Great lyrics from Robin (although I prefer Calum Scott’s version).

It has been a while since my last Mohan Saroo’s blog post. To be honest, In the past weeks I felt like suffering from a writer’s block and of course I have been busy with the usual “raise your child and take care of your new relationship” kind of stuff.

I have been reading a lot of books again which helped me to further understand internal mental processes triggered by trauma. I have also been learning to listen and take care of my inner child (Het Innerlijke Kind – Susan Huhn) and I have gained insights in different sorts of love relationships (De drie grote liefdes in je leven – Kate Rose). Even about addictions which are quite prevalent in the world of traumatized people (“De Verslaving Voorbij” en “Verslaafd aan liefde” – Jan Geurts).

Despite all these new insights in life as we live it today,  I still do feel like I’m in a roller coaster, a bumpy ride, my own life in turmoil.

I have a girl-friend who listens to me and wants to be with me in good and sad times. That’s the good news 🙂

Despite her love and support, I often still do feel like I’m in the corner – and as if nobody sees me.
And frankly, I often don’t even see myself, recognize myself sometimes. Trying to understand myself, trying to uncover my fears and my inner child needs,…

My inner child has been hurt – traumatized at very young age – creating a primal wound. And with the primal wound, a deep sense of unworthiness has been installed deep inside of me, a lower level of self-esteem burried under survival and coping mechanisms. I unfortunately only realized this in the past 1-2 years, sadly (or luckily?) triggered by my break-up two years ago.

More than two years ago, I got emotionally injured and it feels like a second primal wound has been installed since then. In the past two to three years, I relived the pain of being abandoned (again) and unsuccessfully struggled to find a way out.

How can I get out of this black scene of lowered self-esteem, broken heart, damaged inner child?Energy levels are down, life is being sucked out of me, days and weeks are passing by.

It’s not like in Owl City’s fireflies where a ten million fireflies lit up the  world while I fell asleep.  Instead, a million post-its in my kitchen reminding me on to do’s, nitty gritty obligations, things that become unimportant to me. But some of them aren’t…

And I’m in the corner… Why can’t you see me?

A typical phrase for co-dependent people, traumatized people, all kind of men and women that seek confirmation in their external environment rather than in their own inner core.

Why is it so hard to build confidence, to start believing in yourself and to no longer rely on others to love yourself?

Why is it so hard to believe that they are a billion of people in this world that would like to know you and even love you when crossing your path?

Why is it so hard to understand and accept that only one person rejecting you, does not count as proof of your perceived unworthiness?

As one wise monk told me once: “it’s all in the mind”. You create your own version of today’s world. You will eventually believe and feel what you think. Wise words which make sense to me. But I don’t feel them yet with every breath I take.

A lot is going on in my life now. A lot of my past life has vanished. I’m transitioning from one chapter to another.

When I was younger, change used to be fun. And I vividly remember, I was always looking forward to what was still to become.

Nowadays, I regret that I’m loosing touch of the past, stuck in the middle, knowing that life won’t last.

Why is it that everybody seems to be happy? They all have a (big) family, a nice home and dreams to come true.

I’m considering to move. However, the key question still remains like in that great song of The Clash “Should I stay or should I go?”. Should I stay in my home and accept the past, or move forward and build a new future that hopefully would ever last?

For now, I don’t know the answer, so I keep on dancing on my own.

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