Twilight Zone

It has been some months since she left. Leaving me behind in a state of despair and confusion.
I didn’t want to belief, didn’t want to accept. Love suddenly became to me a total illusion.

Right after, I found myself hopelessly in a kind of mental state, most people would call it a depression. Reading, awakening, crying, sometimes wanting life to end, I fought back and made it a hard lesson.

Still I don’t understand, why it had to end.
What she told, I still try to unfold.
What was real, what was really meant?
Nevertheless, her words hit me till the bitter end.

I know, I should know better.
Don’t let someone’s perspective push you off your ladder.
Slowly I’m climbing up again, step-by-step to find back my authenticity.
Maybe it really is about synchronicity…

Incidents co-incidentally happen with a purpose in life.
Although sometimes it can feel like someone’s cutting you with a knife.
Slowly pushing you into an intended direction.
As if, everything was meant to be full of imperfection.

I recently crossed the path of another love.
I found what I need, but still regret I no longer have what I wanted.
Full of hope, I start to like what I need – even when the rollercoaster of emotions feels rough.
But I still regret I no longer have what I ever wanted.

In this twilight zone between despair and hope,
I still fight my every day demons while hanging on to my safety rope.

I realise I keep on pushing loved ones away,
Hard to understand as I just want them to stay.
People that love me, that want me.
I just don’t want them to hate me.

I just don’t want to be left alone.
Don’t want that feeling again of being abandoned far from home.
Help me understand, how I can nourish again the positive,
While fading out all negative.

I’m living in my twilight zone between despair and hope,
Hoping that synchronicity is my safety rope.

In search of completeness

“What does being happy really feels like?” I wondered today.

I’m sitting in my lounge seats overlooking my swimming pool on a day-off when the sun is boosting temperatures till over 30°. My cute boxer pup is laying next to me after having made me laugh with her playful moves. This should be a joyful moment, so why doesn’t it feel that way?

Happiness is to me a sense of feeling complete. When you don’t, you feel a certain emptiness in your heart, chest and often your mind is covered up in clouds like on a misty day. That’s why I personally think happiness is equal to feeling complete.

Believe me, that feeling of being incomplete, being lonely, is very painful. Even after I just spent time with my daughter, with friends, played drums in a band, went for horse riding, whatever,… as soon as I drive home alone, I feel lonely again. I could describe it as the same pain that one feels when one misses someone (my daughter?, my summer love?, my adoption mum who passed away last year, maybe even my birth mother whom I don’t have any reminiscence of,…?) I can’t tell… Maybe it’s really someone I’m unconsciously still connected to. I strangely do believe in that kind of connectedness.

So, when does one feel complete?

Some do feel complete when they have that family bond, that cute child or these lovely children, … I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when they live in that house with a garden or maybe in a lovely appartment… I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when they drive a fancy (company) car or bike. I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when they are in a relationship with a beautiful, sexy and preferably loving partner. I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when… whatever they have or strive for…

I do have or have been blessed with all of the above. But I seem to be less fine with that… (besides raising my daughter who is the love of my life of course :-).

I learned that, and I’m still graduating in this belief, that finding and loving your authentic self is the only way to make you feel complete. Everyone or everything else should be an added value to your life.

The emptiness I often feel, the pain of being lonely,… I was wondering about the what and why of that pressing feeling. I start realizing that it could be the disconnection with my true inner self, with my authentic self. It sounds crazy, but maybe my body or soul was signalling me that I’m disconnected from my own core.

Find yourself. Love yourself. And be amazed how some people will unexpectedly cross your path, how changes in your life suddenly will make sense – despite all pain of separation, regrets, disbelief, denial, … While I do completely echo this learning, I need to admit again that I’m not there yet.
Still not feeling complete in the sense that I describe above.

I’m still craving for that nice young lady with whom I can spend ages under a starry night enjoying olives and white wine, with whom I share joy but also deepest feelings, with whom I can get that family feeling back again, …

But again, this will not be what makes one complete. Don’t try to find the happiness outside of yourself, or in others. Other people come and go in your life.

Don’t try to find the lady or man that makes you feel complete. Rather believe that one day you cross the path of someone who recognizes and cherishes that you already do feel complete. If you are already with that person that feels and accepts your completeness, you are damn lucky and I’m really happy for you!

I wanted to write this post right after a new soulmate connection shared following wise words with me: “Sometimes one needs a heart break to open one’s heart to him or herself”.

As always, you can reach out to me if you have questions, want to exchange your thoughts, …
always welcome. Namaste.

Coming Home To Self

As promised earlier, I would dedicate a post to insights from Nancy Verrier’s second book “Coming Home To Self”.

Time is right to share my insights from this book but also to complete them with personal experiences from the past months.

The book “Coming Home To Self” is the successor of the “Primal Wound”. The “Primal Wound” describes the creation and subsequent impact of the wound when a child is relinquished by his/her birth mother. One of the main consequences of this primal wound is that the child develops coping mechanisms and behaviours which buries the child’s authentic self deep down below.  In her book “Coming Home To Self”, Nancy Verriers further deepens the understanding of the primal wound and provides direction on how to find one’s authentic self.

I have to admit that this book is quite hard to digest as it contains a lot of information and is written with a lot of scientific and psychological terminology. I understood that some chapters also have been written for therapists which explains the scientific tone of voice.

Nevertheless, this book provided key insights on how to start discovering my authentic self:

  • True personality is mostly genetic,
  • It’s difficult for adoption parents to know the true personality of the child. What they see instead is the child’s coping behavior, the way to deal with loss and the potential for future loss,
  • Trauma (like separation loss prior to adoption) transforms one from who one truly is to someone else,
  • A victim of a traumatic experience(e.g. Like rape, abuse, violence…) might still remember the trauma. An adoptee in most cases can’t. The adoptee does not have a reference point for authenticity (assuming adoption at a very young age),
  • Those of you who think you are being authentic because you have come to terms with your coping mechanisms and “like myself as I am” are in for  shock. It isn’t who you are…,
  • There are people in your lives who know more about your true personalities than you do yourselves. They are the people who love you and know that you aren’t your coping mechanisms. Sometime you try to prove them wrong by testing them and see if they will stick around,
  • There is a compulsion to repeat over and over again the abandonment scene (repetition compulsion),
  • We have to stop being victims, we can take our responsibility,
  • Some have remained victims and some have become survivors. But anyone who still has strong fears about intimacy, trust or control is not fully participating,
  • The important thing to remember is that you are neither your experience, nor your coping mechanisms. There is a basic, genuine person down there, someone who is aching to get out,
  • But where should I begin to become again my authentic self,
  • Begin with the little things that define you, begin with very concrete decisions, carefully choosing colors, spices, oils, places to walk, countries to visit, etc…,
  • You have to be true to yourself and discover what you like or what your opinions are,
  • When in doubt ask yourself the question: does it support or disturb my soul (aka the gut feeling)?,
  • As you discover your Self, it is important to allow others to discover You. Start with people you may not know well, because it is not such a risk. Take baby steps in order not to scare yourself too much,
  • You have to begin taking responsibility for the impact you have on yourself – stop sabotaging,
  • Healing begins with acknowledging what happened to you and knowing that you can’t change that,
  • As you grow in becoming more yourself, you will want to have a relationship that fits the new you,
  • Double set of standards: you feel you can do things to others, but you cannot tolerate others doing similar things to you – because you project your issues to others which you don’t want to see in yourself…,
  • The only person you need to have power over is yourself. I you have true inner power, you won’t feel the need to control or intimidate others,
  • In order to safeguard your own children as well as to make your own lifes more meaningful and peaceful, it is up to you to heal your wounds,
  • Allow yourself to be loved…

So, where am I on my path to uncovering my authentic self?

In the past weeks, months even, I discovered my affinity with spiritualism, writing (often poetic) texts on my emotional states, discovering beautiful spots in nature and sharing pictures that reflect it all.

This inner side that is slowly revealing, still feels as if it’s locked up behind windows (just like the beautiful sunset in the image). People can see it while I may not always realize that. I get a lot of positive and encouraging responses. The past weeks I get spontaneous invites to connect via social media, I get surprising messages in which women express their appreciation for that inner beauty growing and showing in me – often they like my spiritual nature, sometimes it’s the way how I phrase or perceive emotions and life challenges. Very encouraging for me and especially holding a mirror telling me how I progress, how I transform.

In parallel with this evolution, I also connect more with my adoption story. A story I have been ignoring for up to 40 years… I suddenly find myself in a network of (Indian) adoptees sharing their life events and experiences. A lot of similar life tracks, bumps in the road, life challenges but especially the same eagerness to accept that primal wound and it’s impact on their life.

I meanwhile also found several other adoptees that have lived with me in the orphanage in Mumbai before being adopted into Belgian families. What a small world after all. The bonding with people going through similar life phases and personal challenges is so critical and helpful in my healing process (and I hope it’s reciprocal).

Finally, I want to express that I’m probably not transforming although I keep on referring to my “transformation”. I realize more than ever that I’m not changing, but I’m revealing personality traits that always have been part of me. They finally found their way through the thick mud of coping behaviours and compliant thinking…

A promising future awaits me – that’s what I hear from a lot of people in my surrounding, but honestly, these changes scare me… Will I like this new version of me? Mohan 2.0? Will people like my new version? Will significant others still recognize me? Will it help me to get my summer love back?
Or will it tell me again that it was not meant to be and better times are awaiting me?

Find your Ikigai

A Japanese word explained by a Belgian guy who is looking for his Indian roots… Funny 🙂

I like to travel, I like to discover other countries and cultures. That’s how I found the book “Ikigai” – when I was wandering on the streets in Mumbai. It was during a warm late night in December last year (2019). Looking for something to eat, but still sneaking around in all these small shops on the street. People trying to sell books, clothing, spices, statues, …

As if I was desperately looking for that abundance of wisdom, two books caught my attention:
Ikigai and Life’s Amazing Secrets. I will elaborate more on Life’s Amazing Secrets in another post. Hang on 🙂

For now, Ikigai is on my mind again the past weeks.

What is Ikigai?

In Wikipedia you will find the following plausible explanation:

“The word refers to having a direction or purpose in life, that which makes one’s life worthwhile, and towards which an individual takes spontaneous and willing actions giving them satisfaction and a sense of meaning to life”.

The book Ikigai refers to research in blue zones. Blue zones are regions like Okinawa (Japan), Ikaria (Greece), Sardinia (Italy) where inhabitants get to an average age of 90-100 years.

I recommend to read the book Ikigai from Francesc Miralles and Hector Garcia to fully grasp the concept, research findings and interesting learnings for yourself.

In summary, living your Ikigai would imply:

“do the things you like to do, you are good at, get compensated for
and which help to build a better world”.

So, how about my Ikigai?

I have grown into a career of consulting – which I like a lot. My passion is to help people and organisations to improve the way they operate, change their organisation structure, processes and help facilitate technology improvements.


I’m good at it – check.

I like to do it – check.

I can finance my life and loved ones (including a teenager, a dog, horse, cat, rabbit, 🙂 – check.

But does it help to build a better world? Probably not. People I work with, typically get energised, get more value add out of their work, grow in their job and skill set – but still within a context of making profit or reducing costs.
No sustainability, climate change, reducing the gap between poor and rich, improving health or other more impactful resolutions…

Don’t get me wrong. I still love my consulting jobs and I will for sure still be of assistance to organisations and people that want to improve.

But there is more in life I would think.

More than 10 years ago, I  started discovering Chi-energy in my body and got fascinated by Tai Chi and Qi Gong. I was about to understand that there would be more in life than work hard, play hard, …

I also got intrigued by Reiki and Shiatsu and learned to give body massages in these ancient and amazing two disciplines. However, I did decide to continue focusing my efforts on my consulting career. I wasn’t ready yet to make life changing shifts. Today, I still help companies with their organisation challenges, performance and change management – and I enjoy it to the fullest.

What did change?

Despite of (or rather thanks to) all the emotions about losing my adoption mum and a promising summer love last year, I made a step change… I became aware of my primal wound – which was caused by the separation from my birth mother. I’m learning to accept that separation, but in return,
I would like to discover my past and origins. In my search for my past and authentic self, other adoptees are crossing my path. I even found adoptees from my own orphanage and from the same time period. We were bonding almost like sisters and brothers in these hard times 40 years ago.

I now feel a new Ikigai is being presented to me with two dimensions:

  1. Continue looking for my past, character traits inherited from my biological parents, my real roots, my authentic self,…
  2. Bonding with other people looking for their past and authentic self. While I’m healing from past separations, I feel more and more equipped to help others with similar challenges.

I hope this post helped you to understand the concept of Ikigai and encourages you to find your Ikigai – your purpose in life.



I feel like as I’m investigating X-files, intrigued by but not knowing my past. Although my research slowly starts revealing my past, I do not know if and how long that euphoria would last.

Science and psychology explain my current human being. Agent Mulder would say “Agent Scully, thank God, you never stopped believing”. There is more in life that one could tell, just don’t blindly drive that road to hell…

Poem dedicated to my mum

She would have been 75 today. On May 9 last year, she peacefully passed away. My mum will always be in my ❤. I loved her as soon as I got adopted – so from the very first start.

Back in 1978, my mum and dad adopted me without any fear for my past, hoping that the joy in my life would ever last. My mum left us as if her job of raising us was done, knowing that her love for her family will never be gone.

I’m sure she lovingly would have supported my search for my roots in the past, as she always would have wanted my authenticity to last. I feel lost and I’m looking for my authentic self, after I broke hearts and removed multiple pictures from the shelf.

But I learned lessons and still stand in the heat,
like in the picture, I will be soon again in the driving seat.

– Poem dedicated to my mum Julia Slegers and my family –

Mediteren kan je leren

Deze blog post schrijf ik deze keer bewust in het Nederlands omdat ik mijn diepgaande ervaringen en inzichten op vlak van spiritualiteit zo beter kan verwoorden. Spiritualiteit en meditatie zijn voor velen al moeilijk vatbaar en dus vermijd ik om dit in het Engels te verwoorden. Ik wil uiteraard later wel een Engelse versie schrijven als daar vraag naar is.

Waar ik in mijn vorige blog post over mijn bewustwording van mijn “primal wound” en gerelateerde relationele uitdagingen heb geschreven, wil ik in deze post graag toelichten hoe meditatie en spiritualiteit ons kunnen helpen in onze persoonlijke groei.

Spiritualiteit en meditatie

Spiritualiteit betekent voor mij het besef dat je als mens een deel van een universum bent en dat je jezelf ook in verbinding stelt met die hogere werkelijkheid. Het is niet hetzelfde als godsdienst of godendom zoals het Christendom, Islam, Hindoeïsme, enzoverder…

Ik ben namelijk diepchristelijk opgevoed in mijn jeugdjaren en moest elk weekend wel eens naar de kerk, maar vanaf mijn studentenjaren werd ik atheïst. Ik geloofde niet echt in opperwezens die het heelal zouden geschapen hebben. Ik hield me altijd sterk dat ik enkel in mezelf geloofde – wat toen ook mijn levensmotto werd.

Dat heeft me zeker geholpen in vroegere fases van mijn leven. Tot het moment dat ik te kampen kreeg met pijnlijke en moeilijke periodes in mijn leven. Toen besefte ik dat “niet-geloven” je niet helpt om uitdagingen te overwinnen. Ik ben mij vervolgens beginnen te verdiepen in spiritualiteit en probeer steeds meer connectie te maken met de hogere realiteit in onze wereld, maar ook vooral met mezelf.

Meditatie helpt om in verbinding te staan met jezelf, om terug te aarden, om naar je lichaam en geest te luisteren, …

Mijn spiritueel ontwaken

Mijn eerste spirituele ontdekking begon in feite al voordat moeilijke periodes in mijn leven zich aandiende. Ik ben er ook van overtuigd dat spiritualiteit al langer in mij aanwezig was – doorgegeven via mijn DNA, mijn Indische roots (deel van mijn “Authentic Self”).

Gepassioneerd door martial arts, beoefende ik  verdedigingssporten zoals Karate, Ninjutsu en Krav Maga. Wat mij in de oosterse vechtkunststijlen aantrok, was de ontwikkeling van innerlijke energie – de Ki of Chi genoemd. Maar ik ontdekte de innerlijke energie pas echt toen ik Tai Chi en Qi Gong ging beoefenen. De eerste openbaring beleefde ik toen ik in Zaventem een Tai Chi les ging volgen.
Als hippe dertiger kwam ik terecht in een Tai Chi groep met oudere dames. Wat zou ik hier kunnen leren dacht ik bij mezelf 😦  Totdat de lerares mij de boomhouding liet aannemen en mij vroeg te concentreren op de energiestroming die zou onstaan tussen mijn handen en in mijn buik…
De sensaties die ik toen in mezelf begon te voelen, hebben mijn rationele visie op het leven veranderd. Er is meer in het leven dan we zelf kunnen begrijpen…

Geboeid door het voor mij nieuwe concept van innerlijke energie, vervolledigde ik de opleidingen Reiki Master en Shiatsu wellness practitioner. Mijn loopbaan en incidenten in mijn leven hebben er spijtig genoeg toe geleid dat ik mijn Reiki- en Shiatsukennis even achter mij gelaten heb (ook al heb ik nog wel regelmatig Reiki- en Shiatsumassages aan mijn dochtertje en anderen in mijn directe omgeving gegeven). Pas eind vorig jaar werd mijn interesse in meditatie en spiritualiteit terug gewekt.

Als gevolg van pijnlijke scheidingen, ging ik op zoek naar mijn oorsprong en bezocht ik mijn weeshuis in Mumbai. Tijdens en vooral na die ontdekkingsreis in december 2019, voelde ik steeds de drang om te mediteren en werd ik ook telkens door de natuur aangetrokken. Uiteraard leenden de prachtige tempels in India zich daar uitstekend toe.

Meditatie in Mumbai (December 2019)

Persoonlijke ervaringen in meditatie

Hieronder deel ik heel beknopt mijn ervaringen in meditatie. Ik wil het eenvoudig houden voor iedereen – als er vragen zijn, mag je me daarvoor altijd contacteren. Daarnaast zijn er een heleboel boeken, video’s, websites over meditatie beschikbaar via boekhandel of internet.

Hoe doe je dat eigenlijk mediteren?

Ontdek je plekje 🙂 Zoek een rustige, stille plek op. Zet je smartphone op mute. Als je iets gepland hebt om na de meditatie te doen, stel dan een timer in zodat je gedurende de meditatie niet moet piekeren over de tijd. Het plekje kan een vaste plaats in jouw huis, tuin of in de natuur zijn. Je kan ook van meditatieplekjes veranderen, maar in het begin helpt een vaste plaats om te focussen en discipline in meditatie op te bouwen (ik startte zo bijvoorbeeld met elke zondag een sessie in een boedhistische tempel in mijn buurt).

Je kan aangepaste muziek voorzien (bvb Reiki, Tai Chi, transcendente meditatie muziek, …) en voor plekjes binnenshuis zelfs geurstokjes (incense sticks). Lichten dempen en kaarsjes aan maken de sfeer ook af. Als je in de natuur mediteert kan je natuurlijk enkel muziek toevoegen met een headset. Geurstokjes en kaarsen kunnen dan gevaarlijk zijn.

Welke houding: lotushouding, benen gekruist in zithouding, gewoon op een boomstam of stoel zitten kan ook. Als je pijnlijke gewrichten hebt, kan je jouw zithouding best aanpassen. Forceer jezelf dus niet om in een perfecte lotushouding te gaan zitten 🙂

Vervolgens, sluit jouw ogen en adem enkele keren diep in en uit.

Ademhaling: pas de buikademhaling toe (de meeste ademen ter hoogte van hun borstkas, terwijl dit eerder in de buik moet gevoeld worden). Bij het inademen, voel je dat jouw middenrif naar boven gaat en dat jouw buik zich vult met lucht en zich dus bol zet (denk hierbij aan de dikke buik van de lachende boeddha :-). Bij het uitademen, druk je jouw middenrif naar beneden en pers je de lucht uit jouw buik.

Als je hiermee nog moeite hebt, is het ok om gewoon diep te ademen. Je te erg concentreren op de ademhalingstechniek, zal jouw meditatie niet eenvoudig maken.

Gedachten zullen als een trein op je afkomen. Zeker als je al veel piekert in moeilijkere tijden. Laat ze gewoon komen en gaan. Als je ze probeert weg te houden, dan verhoog je net de focus op die gedachten. Na verloop van tijd gaan de gedachten minderen en verdwijnen.

Hoe voelt mediteren aan?

Je kan een diep gevoelen van rust ervaren. Tijdens de meditatie. Meestal ook na de meditatie.
Soms kan je ook ineens veel energie krijgen om er weer tegen aan te gaan.

Je zal jouw lichaam als een (warm) geheel gaan ervaren. Aanvankelijk kunnen bepaalde lichaamsdelen pijn doen door de houding, maar nadien verdwijnt die en voel je je soms alsof je zweeft.

Soms blijven gedachten weg en voel je/zie je niets. Andere momenten zie je jezelf in jouw leven – zelfs van toen je klein was en herken je zelfs jouw innerlijk kind. Inzichten over jezelf, over bepaalde situaties, over het leven kunnen je plotseling te binnen schieten.

Ikzelf ervaar soms ook lichte druk op mijn hoofd (op de kruinchakra die jouw lichaam in verbinding stelt met het universum en waarlangs kosmische energie het lichaam wordt binnengeleid) en soms op mijn voorhoofd (het derde oog chakra dat staat voor intuïtie en inzicht).

De inzichten die ik kreeg tijdens meditaties in India en recent ook in mijn favoriete meditatieplekjes, hebben me enorm geholpen in mijn persoonlijke groei. Er werd me veel duidelijk over vroegere situaties, beslissingen, emoties, enzoverder. Inzichten die me helpen te begrijpen, zijn essentieel om verdere stappen te kunnen zetten in veranderingsprocessen.

Ik hoop van harte dat je deze informatie duidelijk en interessant vond. Als je vragen hebt over het wat, waarom en hoe van mediteren, dan kan je mij altijd contacteren.

The Primal Wound

This post summarizes my insights from a book that unexpectedly started changing my life:
“The Primal Wound” written by Nancy Verrier.

I was heartbroken from a relationship that ended in 2019. It started promising as a true love story back in that summer of 2019. While there were other differences in our lives to overcome, we basically could not stay together as I had hard times to trust her. I did all what I could do to keep her in my life, but the feeling of distrust was stronger than me. I never had such strong feelings of distrust in previous relationships so I could not understand why it could not work this time.

My world fell apart when she broke up with me and also did no longer want to maintain any contact.

I suffered for months wondering why we couldn’t try again, or at least meet again as friends.

I was now wondering how come that I was suffering so deeply given that our relationship only lasted for a couple of months. She was worth it of course and I still regret to date the end of our relationship, but it’s not normal that I was going through a long and painful period that intensively…

I started looking for videos on how to get my ex back, and later on how to forget about her.
Believe me, a man can do weird things when he wants to get his love back 🙂

Then, I found the video “How to forget about your ex” which was a first step change for me. I learnt that I was suffering because of unmet child needs and surprisingly less because of my ex… It made me think about my adoption and the fact that I was abandoned when I was 2,5 months old.
The video also referred to the phenomenon of “Repetition Compulsion” which explains why I went from one relationship to another.

I consequently continued searching for information on repetition compulsion, unmet child needs, adoption pain etc.  And then, I’m still very thankful for that day, Nancy Verrier’s book “The Primal Wound” popped up.

It was overwhelming to get suddenly all insights to my hard learnings the past years. I gained a full understanding now on why I went from one relationship to another. Why I was so suspicious in that one relationship and especially why the break-up  left me heartbroken more than any other relationship. Hard and painful learnings, but I’m convinced that they help me to prepare for a deeper connection in the future based on trust and dedication.

Below you can read the main insights from that book that changed my (love) life forever.

About the author Nancy Verrier

A psychotherapist, author and lecturer in US. As a mother with both an adopted and biological child she has done research on adoption trauma and written her insights in her ground breaking book The Primal Wound.

My insights

While adoption is in most cases a good deed, the primal wound/trauma created when a child gets separated from his birth mother, should not be neglected.

Even people welcomed and raised in a warm adoption family (like me :-), can/will eventually feel the pain of the primal wound. This can even emerge in a later stage during adulthood (e.g. after 20-30 years and in my case after 40).

The child primarily misses bonding relationship with the biological mother as the biological father in most cases is no longer there or even not aware of the pregnancy.

The child will think that it is his fault that his mother left him and creates consequently an image of “I’m not OK”, “I don’t have the right to be here”…  As a consequence, most adoptees will have a lower self-esteem and can be suspicious.

According to Nancy Verrier, there are two types of reactions to this abandonment:

  • Rebellion, acting out child;
  • Compliant child: wants to be liked, will please, adapts easily to different situations (to avoid being abandoned again), blends into the environment.

The trauma of being abandoned will lead to creating a false self consisting of coping mechanisms to avoid risk of being abandoned again. As a result, the authentic self will get burried deep under this false self.

To find his true self, to feel complete again, fill the emptiness, the child will typically search for the birth mother.

Most adoptees encounter difficulties in relationships: distrust, fear to attach in order to avoid going through same pain of being abandoned. They will eventually unconsciously sabotage the relationship.

But once in a relationship/once they get attached to someone, they will have a hard time to get out of the relationship. They will try to keep the relationship going at all cost to avoid the pain of being abandoned again.

I can imagine that above insights are scary for adoptees and (potential) adoption parents – it was very scary for me anyhow. But these insights helped a lot to understand the pain, the learnings, the why of the past.

With any change, it is crucial to understand and accept in order to be able to move on.

Nancy Verrier has written a second book “Coming Home To Self” in which she describes how to find one’s authentic self and potential measures to deal with the primal wound. I will issue a posting on this book in the near future.

If you have questions on The Primal Wound or my learnings regarding this trauma, feel free to contact me.


For romantic and poetic souls…

My poem below is based on a love story which both unfortunately and fortunately changed my life.
While I was looking for answers, I found the book “The Primal Wound” which helped me understand that I had to process more than my loss of my summer love…

Summer love

We met over summer – our eyes crossed the very first day. I instantly knew, we fell in love – right away.

Our kids got along pretty well, joyfully playing and dancing. Our friends didn’t notice yet, the two of us enjoyed getting closer late night while camping.

A beautiful bright starry night brought us together, led by fate but still a pleasant surprise. We fell in love and dreamt of each other hoping this would not end with the next sunrise.

While we tried to keep it a romantic secret, kids caught us red handed. We wanted to tell our daughters but they already knew – our announcement of love wasn’t that brand new.

With mixed feelings, we ended an unforgettable holiday hoping our romance would last. With hopes for the future, I relived every moment from that near past.

We met again, living through great summer times, while exploring each other’s family and home. Soon, I totally surrendered myself to her and could no longer be alone.

She was striving to be unique again and independent, I was dedicated to serve and please, so I became clingy and co-dependent.

She liked to be surrounded by men, was beautiful and sensual as hell. My mind growing suspicious often made me ring the alarm bell.

She wanted full trust but didn’t have guts to invest patience over time. I was fighting my suspicious mind, hoping she would be for ever mine.

Although I travelled a thousand miles, searching for reason and roots, I lost my own fight. From the moment she broke up with me, I found myself crying every day and every night.

I wondered for months how I ever could be so sad, Until the moment I realised I still suffered from being abandoned by my birth mom and dad.

The same pain of separation I experienced as a child, I now know that was really driving me wild.

A loved one that leaves you and whom you can no longer touch, It makes you wonder… that summer love, maybe she didn’t love me that much.

She wasn’t there when I needed her the most.
But I will become stronger, find love again just like that summer at the French coast.

Note: As this is a true story, some might recognise the subject person in this poem.
Please do respect my request for confidentiality for all involved.

Animation on Floor Jansen’s adoption story

While considering to create a blog on adoption experiences, I started participating in a couple of Facebook groups on adoption. One day, a nice animation video in De Verzwegen Generatie Facebook group caught my attention. I found it a very unique way to tell one’s adoption story. I contacted the author, Floor Jansen, to learn more on the what, why and how of her animation.

We talked for a while and find out we had similar experiences and insights although we have different adoption backgrounds.

Floor has found a creative and concise way to tell her adoption story. You can watch it here.


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