This post summarizes my insights from a book that unexpectedly started changing my life:
“The Primal Wound” written by Nancy Verrier.

I was heartbroken from a relationship that ended in 2019. It started promising as a true love story back in that summer of 2019. While there were other differences in our lives to overcome, we basically could not stay together as I had hard times to trust her. I did all what I could do to keep her in my life, but the feeling of distrust was stronger than me. I never had such strong feelings of distrust in previous relationships so I could not understand why it could not work this time.

My world fell apart when she broke up with me and also did no longer want to maintain any contact.

I suffered for months wondering why we couldn’t try again, or at least meet again as friends.

I was now wondering how come that I was suffering so deeply given that our relationship only lasted for a couple of months. She was worth it of course and I still regret to date the end of our relationship, but it’s not normal that I was going through a long and painful period that intensively…

I started looking for videos on how to get my ex back, and later on how to forget about her.
Believe me, a man can do weird things when he wants to get his love back 🙂

Then, I found the video “How to forget about your ex” which was a first step change for me. I learnt that I was suffering because of unmet child needs and surprisingly less because of my ex… It made me think about my adoption and the fact that I was abandoned when I was 2,5 months old.
The video also referred to the phenomenon of “Repetition Compulsion” which explains why I went from one relationship to another.

I consequently continued searching for information on repetition compulsion, unmet child needs, adoption pain etc.  And then, I’m still very thankful for that day, Nancy Verrier’s book “The Primal Wound” popped up.

It was overwhelming to get suddenly all insights to my hard learnings the past years. I gained a full understanding now on why I went from one relationship to another. Why I was so suspicious in that one relationship and especially why the break-up  left me heartbroken more than any other relationship. Hard and painful learnings, but I’m convinced that they help me to prepare for a deeper connection in the future based on trust and dedication.

Below you can read the main insights from that book that changed my (love) life forever.

About the author Nancy Verrier

A psychotherapist, author and lecturer in US. As a mother with both an adopted and biological child she has done research on adoption trauma and written her insights in her ground breaking book The Primal Wound.

My insights

While adoption is in most cases a good deed, the primal wound/trauma created when a child gets separated from his birth mother, should not be neglected.

Even people welcomed and raised in a warm adoption family (like me :-), can/will eventually feel the pain of the primal wound. This can even emerge in a later stage during adulthood (e.g. after 20-30 years and in my case after 40).

The child primarily misses bonding relationship with the biological mother as the biological father in most cases is no longer there or even not aware of the pregnancy.

The child will think that it is his fault that his mother left him and creates consequently an image of “I’m not OK”, “I don’t have the right to be here”…  As a consequence, most adoptees will have a lower self-esteem and can be suspicious.

According to Nancy Verrier, there are two types of reactions to this abandonment:

• Rebellion, acting out child;
• Compliant child: wants to be liked, will please, adapts easily to different situations (to avoid being abandoned again), blends into the environment.

The trauma of being abandoned will lead to creating a false self consisting of coping mechanisms to avoid risk of being abandoned again. As a result, the authentic self will get burried deep under this false self.

To find his true self, to feel complete again, fill the emptiness, the child will typically search for the birth mother.

Most adoptees encounter difficulties in relationships: distrust, fear to attach in order to avoid going through same pain of being abandoned. They will eventually unconsciously sabotage the relationship.

But once in a relationship/once they get attached to someone, they will have a hard time to get out of the relationship. They will try to keep the relationship going at all cost to avoid the pain of being abandoned again.

I can imagine that above insights are scary for adoptees and (potential) adoption parents – it was very scary for me anyhow. But these insights helped a lot to understand the pain, the learnings, the why of the past.

With any change, it is crucial to understand and accept in order to be able to move on.

Nancy Verrier has written a second book “Coming Home To Self” in which she describes how to find one’s authentic self and potential measures to deal with the primal wound. I will issue a posting on this book in the near future.

If you have questions on The Primal Wound or my learnings regarding this trauma, feel free to contact me.

Mohan

My poem below is based on a love story which both unfortunately and fortunately changed my life.
While I was looking for answers, I found the book “The Primal Wound” which helped me understand that I had to process more than my loss of my summer love…

Summer love

We met over summer – our eyes crossed the very first day. I instantly knew, we fell in love – right away.

Our kids got along pretty well, joyfully playing and dancing. Our friends didn’t notice yet, the two of us enjoyed getting closer late night while camping.

A beautiful bright starry night brought us together, led by fate but still a pleasant surprise. We fell in love and dreamt of each other hoping this would not end with the next sunrise.

While we tried to keep it a romantic secret, kids caught us red handed. We wanted to tell our daughters but they already knew – our announcement of love wasn’t that brand new.

With mixed feelings, we ended an unforgettable holiday hoping our romance would last. With hopes for the future, I relived every moment from that near past.

We met again, living through great summer times, while exploring each other’s family and home. Soon, I totally surrendered myself to her and could no longer be alone.

She was striving to be unique again and independent, I was dedicated to serve and please, so I became clingy and co-dependent.

She liked to be surrounded by men, was beautiful and sensual as hell. My mind growing suspicious often made me ring the alarm bell.

She wanted full trust but didn’t have guts to invest patience over time. I was fighting my suspicious mind, hoping she would be for ever mine.

Although I travelled a thousand miles, searching for reason and roots, I lost my own fight. From the moment she broke up with me, I found myself crying every day and every night.

I wondered for months how I ever could be so sad, Until the moment I realised I still suffered from being abandoned by my birth mom and dad.

The same pain of separation I experienced as a child, I now know that was really driving me wild.

A loved one that leaves you and whom you can no longer touch, It makes you wonder… that summer love, maybe she didn’t love me that much.

She wasn’t there when I needed her the most.
But I will become stronger, find love again just like that summer at the French coast.

Note: As this is a true story, some might recognise the subject person in this poem.
Please do respect my request for confidentiality for all involved.

Note: this post is quite personal – I think it’s needed to provide further context on purpose and logic of upcoming postings. I don’t mind if you prefer to skip this post or parts of it. I would understand that.

People that know me, might have been surprised when they saw my blog launch on adoption, they might have been surprised to even read that I got myself a free ride onto a terrible rollercoaster in the past 5 years. I also acknowledge that I’m not the only one that faces regretful life incidents and I appreciate other’s capability to move on in life.

Some people remember me from my great childhood. Back then, we could bike and play on the streets alone till 10pm, wandering in the woods, climbing trees like Ninja’s, sleeping in the open air during Chiro camps, playing ice hockey on a frozen pond (Het venneke in de Lanen in Millegem), …

Some people remember me from great times in primary school in Millegem, rebellion times at Sint-Jan Berchmanscollege in Mol, a lot of party time in the Corbiestraat in Mol and being proudly part of the organising committee of the first Arachnophobia party series 🙂

Some people will for sure remember how loving and supportive my adoption parents have been in my childhood and how they encouraged me to develop my passions/talents. How welcoming my larger family circle in De Kempen truly was.

Some people remember me from playing music together (Mols percussion ensemble, Harmonie St. Odrada, national contest and even an international music contest in Zurich, several bands like RedSun, OneWay, The Splifftones, …). Some know me from having enjoyed practicing Karate in international Karate gatherings (even with Anichi Miyagi Sensei in Okinawa being the oldest living teacher of Okinawa Goju Ryu).

Some people will remember me from university studies in Diepenbeek and Antwerp but especially the extracurriculum activities late night at numerous TDs and in the Erasmus home 🙂

Some people will remember me from my happy life with my daughter, her mom and all our common friends.

Some people will remember me from having worked with me at Belgacom, Deloitte, Accenture, Brady Corp, Lonza, etc. and especially travelling across the globe to pursue my professional ambitions.

As you can read, I was happy. I had a great child hood, fantastic and supportive adoption parents, family and friends.

Found myself a fantastic wife and got a lovely daughter. A dream come true.

I purposefully depict above as a very positive and joyful past (sorry for the long text :-). I don’t want to pretend that adoption is wrong. On the contrary, my adoption was the best chance I got in life.

While I’m thankful for all of the above, I regret my life has let me down 5 years ago.

My daughter’s mum and I separated 5 years ago (for reasons no need to disclose via social media). We are still best friends today, but our lives changed drastically.

I moved to Kampenhout and started life as a happy single (at least that’s what I thought) – but quite soon I found myself in a relationship, and then another one, and so on… Very regretful and painful life experiences, but I know now that all my loved ones came into my life with a purpose, with learnings for both involved.

Last year I suffered from two discontinued relationships and sadly also lost my adoption mum – I will always keep on referring to her as “my mum”.

A summer love which started truly romantically last year, which I felt would become the love of my life, turned out to become a different story 😦 While I’m still recovering from that separation as it hit me hard, I have learnt meanwhile that underneath a deeper wound was waiting to emerge…

While I was looking for some clues on how to get over my ex, I found the video “How to let go of an ex“. I was baffled to hear the statement “it’s not your ex that you miss, but unmet needs from your childhood…”. Of course, I still miss my summer of 2019 love as hell, but I was intrigued by this statement as it was confirming what my Reiki master told me earlier on. The video also referred to the typical phenomenon on “Repetition Compulsion”. Damn, this explained why I was running from one relationship to another…

And then unexpectedly, I came across the book I desperately needed to fully grasp what was happening with me: The Primal Wound (from Nancy Verrier – see my Interesting Readings page). It has been that much instrumental to my conscious awakening that I would like to dedicate a separate post to this piece of scientific art in which a lot of adoptees might recognize themselves.

Thank you for having read through this long but clarifying text. I will do my best to keep my next postings short and sweet 🙂

Mohan

My first post on my first in a life time blog… welcome, I’m happy that you are visiting my blog.
Out of pure curiosity? Just because you know me and just want to find out what I’m up to? Maybe you are looking for insights on adoption or recommended readings? Anyway, in all cases you are more than welcome.

In the coming weeks, I will start posting personal reflections from my India roots travel I made last year in December, share links to websites/video’s who may be of interest to you, share my insights from books I read, etc.

If you have questions, comments or suggestions, please do let me know via contact@mohansaroo.life. You can also subscribe to my blog on the page Blog Postings.

Mohan