What Icelandic horses told me

It has been 8 months now since I have launched my blog. And a bit more than 1 year since I hit the wall when my “Summer of 2019 Love” left me.  Where did she go, my summer love? Sadly, this time, it’s not a song from Bryan Adams or Regi… Instead, it was a hard way to learn about my primal wound.

In one of my previous posts, I remember writing “A loved one who leaves you and whom you can no longer touch, it makes you wonder… that summer love, maybe she didn’t love me that much” (extract from my post For Romantic and Poetic Souls).

I referred to my ex who left me one year ago. However, underneath this painful experience of unwanted separation, true feelings of grief were slowly revealing themselves. I started realising: these words might also be true for my birth mother – right?

  • Why did she leave me?
  • Why did she surrender me to an orphanage in Mumbai when I was a helpless 2,5 months old baby (and from what I have heard being in ill health)? I could no longer touch her as I probably did in my first 2,5 months.
  • Did she really love me?
  • Was it a hard choice?
  • Did she have to choose whom to leave behind?

I don’t know the answers and I probably might never know.

For over 40 years, I have never asked these questions, that seemed to be hidden in the deepest parts of my soul. The pain of being abandoned by my summer love, the suspected love of my life, unexpectedly opened up Pandora’s Box.

Why did I feel lonesome while still being surrounded by loved ones, significant others?
Why did I move from one relationship to another?
Why did I push away women that loved me? Did they come too close? Did they give me love that my birth mother could not give me? (even though my adoption parents gave me a lot of love).

I was used to being separated from someone that I loved or maybe loved me. So, it’s normal to evolve back into that state of being left alone. That’s what I have known since my first months on this planet, right? Therapists refer to this programmed behaviour as “Repetition Compulsion” –
a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats an event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes re-enacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again (Wikipedia definition). Which means for any adoptee including myself: “being abandoned”.

While I recognised this psychological phenomenon, I still didn’t understand the Primal Wound as a root-cause. I started to read about and explore consequences of the Primal Wound.
While I was looking for steps to accept and deal with my Primal Wound, I learned about Family Constellations as a potential therapy (familie-opstellingen in Dutch).

I had a first experience with a sort of (family) constellation in the AFC seminar in The Netherlands (as described in my previous post The Adopted Man). I was impressed observing how adult men reacted during role play to traumatic experiences in their life as adoptee. In that session, I wasn’t ready to face my own fears and primal wound, so I didn’t bring in my personal case yet.

However, a couple of weeks later, I had the opportunity to participate in a unique seminar on organisation constellations. While it was a seminar for companies and professionals, the facilitators sensed that I had a personal question to bring up. As an exception to this professional setting, they asked me if I was ready for a family constellation regarding my personal matter…

Next to my unique personal case, the organisation constellation seminar was already unique in itself. It was purposefully organised in meadows with Icelandic horses. Horses are highly sensitive animals that feel energy/tension in and between humans. It was very odd to observe how they were gathering in the corners of the meadow far from us while we were setting up our role play.
Only when the participants felt good in the final set-up of the role play and energy levels felt rebalanced, the horses spontaneously mingled with the participants in the meadow.
Crazy to believe, crazy to live this experience.

As soon as I shared my personal case with the group, the facilitators invited me to step into the meadow in which the Icelandic horses were gathering again in one of its corners. I was asked to invite another participant to play the role of my birth mother… Right away I felt emotions coming up, but still managed to master them for the benefits of the role play to come. I asked an older lady to act as my birth mother. It felt good to ask her for this role.

Without going into detail about the next steps in my family constellation, I can only share that I truly got overwhelmed… The lady that played the role of my birth mother became very emotional – it felt to me as if it was my real birth mother speaking to me showing her regrets that she left me years ago. Showing her admiration for the beautiful person I have become. She was referring to my authentic self or my vulnerability I was showing at that very moment.

Once I felt good in that family constellation, it was amazing to see how the Icelandic horses came to me and started walking into that constellation as if they were part of it (even an Icelandic foal spontaneously joined me – probably representing my own daughter :-). I loved it. Both the emotional experience and the pure beauty of horses sensing that the energy fields have been rebalanced again. Wow, what a wonder of nature.

I realise that this experience was not intended to be the end of my journey, but rather the beginning of a continued search for my birth mother and relatives. A clear sign of life that my roots might get unveiled soon…

Maybe I will meet my birth mother, maybe I will meet family from my biological lineage.
Who knows. Only life can tell.

Thanks for having read this long write-up. Thanks for showing your interest and compassion.
Stay tuned. For sure there is more to come.


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