What Icelandic horses told me

It has been 8 months now since I have launched my blog. And a bit more than 1 year since I hit the wall when my “Summer of 2019 Love” left me.  Where did she go, my summer love? Sadly, this time, it’s not a song from Bryan Adams or Regi… Instead, it was a hard way to learn about my primal wound.

In one of my previous posts, I remember writing “A loved one who leaves you and whom you can no longer touch, it makes you wonder… that summer love, maybe she didn’t love me that much” (extract from my post For Romantic and Poetic Souls).

I referred to my ex who left me one year ago. However, underneath this painful experience of unwanted separation, true feelings of grief were slowly revealing themselves. I started realising: these words might also be true for my birth mother – right?

  • Why did she leave me?
  • Why did she surrender me to an orphanage in Mumbai when I was a helpless 2,5 months old baby (and from what I have heard being in ill health)? I could no longer touch her as I probably did in my first 2,5 months.
  • Did she really love me?
  • Was it a hard choice?
  • Did she have to choose whom to leave behind?

I don’t know the answers and I probably might never know.

For over 40 years, I have never asked these questions, that seemed to be hidden in the deepest parts of my soul. The pain of being abandoned by my summer love, the suspected love of my life, unexpectedly opened up Pandora’s Box.

Why did I feel lonesome while still being surrounded by loved ones, significant others?
Why did I move from one relationship to another?
Why did I push away women that loved me? Did they come too close? Did they give me love that my birth mother could not give me? (even though my adoption parents gave me a lot of love).

I was used to being separated from someone that I loved or maybe loved me. So, it’s normal to evolve back into that state of being left alone. That’s what I have known since my first months on this planet, right? Therapists refer to this programmed behaviour as “Repetition Compulsion” –
a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats an event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes re-enacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again (Wikipedia definition). Which means for any adoptee including myself: “being abandoned”.

While I recognised this psychological phenomenon, I still didn’t understand the Primal Wound as a root-cause. I started to read about and explore consequences of the Primal Wound.
While I was looking for steps to accept and deal with my Primal Wound, I learned about Family Constellations as a potential therapy (familie-opstellingen in Dutch).

I had a first experience with a sort of (family) constellation in the AFC seminar in The Netherlands (as described in my previous post The Adopted Man). I was impressed observing how adult men reacted during role play to traumatic experiences in their life as adoptee. In that session, I wasn’t ready to face my own fears and primal wound, so I didn’t bring in my personal case yet.

However, a couple of weeks later, I had the opportunity to participate in a unique seminar on organisation constellations. While it was a seminar for companies and professionals, the facilitators sensed that I had a personal question to bring up. As an exception to this professional setting, they asked me if I was ready for a family constellation regarding my personal matter…

Next to my unique personal case, the organisation constellation seminar was already unique in itself. It was purposefully organised in meadows with Icelandic horses. Horses are highly sensitive animals that feel energy/tension in and between humans. It was very odd to observe how they were gathering in the corners of the meadow far from us while we were setting up our role play.
Only when the participants felt good in the final set-up of the role play and energy levels felt rebalanced, the horses spontaneously mingled with the participants in the meadow.
Crazy to believe, crazy to live this experience.

As soon as I shared my personal case with the group, the facilitators invited me to step into the meadow in which the Icelandic horses were gathering again in one of its corners. I was asked to invite another participant to play the role of my birth mother… Right away I felt emotions coming up, but still managed to master them for the benefits of the role play to come. I asked an older lady to act as my birth mother. It felt good to ask her for this role.

Without going into detail about the next steps in my family constellation, I can only share that I truly got overwhelmed… The lady that played the role of my birth mother became very emotional – it felt to me as if it was my real birth mother speaking to me showing her regrets that she left me years ago. Showing her admiration for the beautiful person I have become. She was referring to my authentic self or my vulnerability I was showing at that very moment.

Once I felt good in that family constellation, it was amazing to see how the Icelandic horses came to me and started walking into that constellation as if they were part of it (even an Icelandic foal spontaneously joined me – probably representing my own daughter :-). I loved it. Both the emotional experience and the pure beauty of horses sensing that the energy fields have been rebalanced again. Wow, what a wonder of nature.

I realise that this experience was not intended to be the end of my journey, but rather the beginning of a continued search for my birth mother and relatives. A clear sign of life that my roots might get unveiled soon…

Maybe I will meet my birth mother, maybe I will meet family from my biological lineage.
Who knows. Only life can tell.

Thanks for having read this long write-up. Thanks for showing your interest and compassion.
Stay tuned. For sure there is more to come.


Met een oerwond doorheen het oerwoud

Wat een leuke en leerrijke ervaring ! Wat heeft me dat weer energie gegeven !
Een mooie bevestiging van het pijnlijke maar veelbelovende traject dat ik al afgelegd heb.
En vooral een aanmoediging om mijn pad verder te volgen. Zeker nu ik besef dat ik er ook anderen mee kan helpen 🙂

Tijdens de adoptieweek van Fiac begin november gaf ik via digitale weg mijn persoonlijke getuigenis over de oerwond (Primal Wound) – en wat dat met mij gedaan heeft. Maar voornamelijk ook wat ik er uit geleerd heb en hoe ik mijn leven verder wil aanpakken.

Normaal ging mijn getuigenis live door, maar wegens Covid19 maatregelen heeft Fiac haar adoptieweek kundig omgeturnd naar een unieke digitale ervaring. Mijn adoptiegetuigenis is hierdoor gelukkig ook beschikbaar als opname. Gewoon even klikken op onderstaand scherm om de opname te starten (duurtijd: 60′ – wel met enkele momentjes waarbij de verbinding even wegviel).

Als je vragen hebt, kan je me gerust een e-mail sturen: contact@mohansaroo.life

Goodbye to the world I used to know

Today, I said goodbye to one of my best friends…
Maybe it’s only temporary until we meet again,
but it felt like a painful separation, as it suddenly slipped out of my hands.

Don’t be too concerned. I’m talking about my beloved car 😉
It’s sadly a matter of exaggerated materialism,
although it does feel like I lost the war.

It’s of course not about the car, but about the unexpectedness of the news.
I had great times with that car – and hence,
again a lot of memories that I have to let loose.

I think I passed halfway my life now.
While the first half was about building up,
the latter half wants me to deal with losses somehow.

Regretfully, we also live in a different world today.
We all have to wear masks and limit meeting others.
When will we go back to the normal state, which we hope for every day.

I can’t give my daughter the childhood I had – everything has changed since then.
But she’s doing fine, although I struggle to accept to belief.
It’s a new world in which we will have to learn to let go now and then.

What does it take to let go?
What if I no longer had my car, my house, my past… ?
What would it change about who I really am – even if that’s still what I don’t know?

It feels like peeling the onion.
That’s probably what I’m afraid of – to discover what will surface.
Will I still feel comfortable? Will people still be around or leave me in my forgotten dungeon?

More than ever, it becomes important to get to know yourself.
Peel the onion, follow your tears and find your authentic self.
Try to be less dependent on others, and on materialistic stuff.
You only need to love yourself, that should be fairly enough.

Love Yourself

We tend to hold on to our past.
Hoping that it would ever last.
Because the past, that is what defines you, right?
And our future is uncertain, sometimes black, sometimes bright.

Painful moments when you look back,
when your memories and past seem to fall between the cracks.
It all starts to fade away.
Too late, I wish I could relive it all for a day.

While I was once proud of what I had achieved,
I can only look back to some scarce moments to make me feel relieved.
There should be more in life than an unknown future and a forgotten past.
It took me some time to realize while my life was heading to nowhere too fast.

Don’t let the past define you.
Don’t let the future scare you.
Be yourself, love yourself.
Love will always be there,
readily available off-the-shelf.

Persoonlijke getuigenis FIAC 3/11

Ik voel me nerveus… maar ik ben ook wel heel benieuwd.

Tot nu toe heb ik mijn primal wound en adoptie-ervaringen kunnen delen via mijn blog. Het deed me plezier om zoveel positieve reacties te krijgen op mijn blog en posts. Vele anderen herkennen zich in mijn verhalen, ervaringen en emotionele wereld. Dat geeft me energie en ik ben enorm blij dat ik anderen op hun pad kan helpen (direct of indirect – dat doet er niet toe).

De volgende stap wacht op me… Ik ga mijn verhaal live brengen in een persoonlijke getuigenis tijdens de adoptieweek van FIAC. Hopelijk wordt het heel interactief en komen er prangende boeiende vragen die ons allen weer een beetje verder helpen.

Benieuwd? Welkom he !

Dinsdag 3 november bij FIAC in Geel (16 -17u30)

Klik op de link voor het volledige programma: FIAC Adoptieweek 2020

The Adopted Man

In my previous blog post, I described my insights from the book “De Fontein” (The Fountain) from Els Van Steijn.  I was amazed to read about the power of downward spiraling energy and influence through family lineage. Even more, I was struck by learning what might happen when you no longer find yourself in the right position in that “fountain” of family lineage.  People that no longer benefit from that natural downward energy channelling, often struggle with stubborn – unexplainable – unfavourable patterns in their life. Once you get back in your position in your fountain, you would feel the energy again from your parents, older brothers, older sisters, etc. Unpleasant patterns would disappear and make one’s life again more bearable.

The book also refers to the practice of “family constellations” (familie-opstellingen). These therapeutic exercises would help to understand and feel what is really blocking you in life. Once you face your fears, disbalances, frustrations, etc., you will feel relieved. You will feel ready to handle issues in a different way. I was becoming very keen to experience such a kind of family constellation practice. Hoping that I could reveal and break nasty patterns in my life.

As a clear sign of life, a Facebook ad popped up – promoting a seminar for adopted men in The Netherlands. The organiser De Adoptiecoach launched a try-out of a seminar for adopted men to share and learn from their challenges in life.

I enrolled myself quite fast but was nervous as this event was only set-up for men. No mixed audience, but a men only gathering. In the past year, I have become more comfortable to share my emotions and expression of my authentic self predominantly with women.

The event in the Woudschoten hotel in Zeist (The Netherlands) became a nice memory for the participating adopted men. I deliberately wrote “participating” as this word underlines the fact that we took our responsibility and decision to start changing our life. The common theme of the participants is that they struggled with challenges in life (for some professional, others relational or family matters etc.) following trauma’s in their adoption history. But, we all decided to participate to this seminar and for sure in other life changing actions to come.

The seminar offered an interesting mix of theoretical considerations, outdoor actions and exercises similar to family constellations. I gained interesting insights in this seminar and got a lot of confirmation of “I’m clearly not the only one suffering from the primal wound and related life challenges”. It feels good to recognise that the primal wound is a common theme amongst adopted men. It’s not just a theory…

I also finally understood why it took me over 40 years to wake up and start feeling my primal wound, start seeing my fears and patterns in life. Most of the other adopted men amongst the participants also started digging deeper only  in their forties.

Below graph shows why for some people it can take longer than others to face challenges in life related to their primal wound, adoption history, … (note: I created this graph based on my interpretation of a Dutch version shown during the seminar).

My personal interpretation: adoptees start with some degree of background stress dependent on the severity of their historical trauma’s. While they tend to develop effective coping mechanisms to deal with changing environments and life challenges, some life incidents can push the stress level to the critical boundary of their maximum load level. It’s important to become aware, understand and accept stress impacts in order to lower the stress level below the danger zone.

In my first 40 years I was enjoying life and taking on all challenges as if it was almost a natural gift… My coping mechanisms helped me a lot. I was born to become a chameleon – which is typical for many adoptees.

I learned several languages, practiced multiple hobbies, travelled a lot for my job and found my way in life – mostly on my own (no surprise for an adoptee…).

However, several life incidents (my adoption mum passing away, divorces…) slowly started pushing up the stress bar until the moment I could no longer handle it. I collapsed end of 2019 at the age of 45… Do note that the graph shows that adoptees, regardless their agility to cope with changing environments and circumstances, already start with a backpack of background stress following historical trauma(s). I never realised that until last year.

In the afternoon session, having enjoyed enriching discussions and moments of recognising similarities, the facilitators Hilbrand and Sandor took the boys out to play 🙂 We all could revive our manhood again while fighting each other with swords and fight gear. Loved it. Especially my boy’s dream to become a fearless ninja was about to become true 🙂

Following this amusing break, the afternoon session brought us very intensive and emotional moments. Volunteers could share their life challenges and fears in the group based on which participants engaged in a sort of role play (“substitution” as known in systemic therapy).

This was the first time in my life that I experienced such expression of emotions, energetic dynamics and even witness other men cry. It’s a good thing that men can share emotions and show their tears as opposed to what society teaches us “boys don’t cry”…

Impressed by the sense of trust and vulnerability in this group of adopted men (although we didn’t know each other at the start of that seminar), I was really wanting to bring forward my personal case. But I didn’t. I wasn’t ready yet. I felt that I still had some fears to cope with – which I couldn’t face yet.

Let’s hope that I’m ready to reveal more in my next post…

De Fontein

Ik heb het boek “De Fontein” (Els Van Steijn) bijna uitgelezen. Het heeft me wat tijd gekost om er aan te beginnen en ook om door te blijven lezen. Niet dat het de moeite niet is hoor, maar het vergt heel wat inbeelding waarbij je het gangbare rationele denken best even naast je legt.

Het boek werd me aangeraden door Floor, de jongedame waarvan ik de animatie over haar adoptieverhaal zo leuk vond. We hebben af en toe nog wat ervaringen met elkaar uitgewisseld en hierbij sprak ze me ook over het concept van de fontein.

De metafoor van de fontein bestaat erin dat je best je plek inneemt in de fontein om energie en voeding te krijgen van je ouders, voorouders of oudere broer/zus, enzoverder. Voornamelijk familie die in bakken boven je staan van waaruit het water (energie) naar beneden stroomt.

Door verschillende levensvoorvallen in dit familiesysteem, kan het voorkomen dat je je plek niet meer inneemt en je opstijgt naar de bak of bakken erboven. Bijvoorbeeld wanneer je als kind voor een zieke mama zorgt of als je voor jouw broer of zus moet zorgen omdat de ouders de opvoeding niet meer voldoende op zich kunnen nemen.

Als je opstijgt, krijg je niet meer de energie vanzelf door en ga je volledig op eigen kracht het leven (moeten) aangaan. Beide situaties kunnen, maar het beste is om in je plek te gaan staan en dus terug af te dalen.

De auteur Els Van Steijn beschrijft in dit boek drie verschillende mogelijke ontstaansredenen waarom iemand zou opstijgen in de fontein. Voor uitleg over deze ontstaansredenen, verwijs ik je graag naar haar boek. Te meer ook omdat ze erin beschrijft hoe iemand dan terug kan afdalen naar de juiste plek in de fontein – en dit voor elk van de drie ontstaansredenen van het onbewust opstijgen.

Waarom intrigeert de metafoor van de fontein mij?

Ik heb het gevoel dat ik opgestegen ben in de fontein naar een of meerdere bakken hoger dan mijn eigen plek. Mijn biologische ouders zijn onbekend en dus kan ik niet naar hen opkijken, hen aanvaarden. Mogelijk ben ik opgestegen naar hun bak en sta ik niet meer op mijn plek om van hen de natuurlijke energiestroom te krijgen.

Natuurlijk heb ik nog steeds mijn adoptie-ouders (ook al is mijn mama overleden vorig jaar, zij  leeft nog verder in mijn gedachten en hart) en zij zullen ook een plaats in een fontein hebben waartoe ik behoor. Toch zal het familiesysteem waartoe ik behoor door biologische afstamming, mij sterker in die fontein beïnvloeden.

Wat ook sterk mijn aandacht trok in het boek, is de vaststelling dat hardnekkige weerkerende patronen een mogelijk gevolg zijn van een verkeerde plaats in de fontein. En die patronen kunnen enkel doorbroken worden van zodra je terug op je plek gaat staan in de fontein.

Hier past ook het fenomeen van de “lopende rekening” waarover ik las in een blog van een collega-blogster (How to survive in life). Bepaalde (opvoedings)patronen worden doorgegeven van ouders naar kinderen en hun kinderen enzoverder. Het geeft rust in verschillende generaties als die patronen doorbroken worden. Ook al ben ik geadopteerd en erf ik mijn karakter grotendeels van onbekende biologische ouders, toch herken ik veel van hoe ik mijn dochter opvoed in mijn eigen opvoeding door mijn adoptiepapa (en op zijn beurt door zijn grootvader).

De derde ontstaansreden waarom iemand opstijgt in de fontein zoals in het boek toegelicht, wordt “onbewuste identificatie” genoemd. Deze derde reden intrigeerde mij wel, ook al is dit de minst faire reden en lijkt het dat je moet boeten voor gebeurtenissen uit vroegere generaties of althans uitdagingen van vroegere generaties dient op te lossen.

Je kan opstijgen in de fontein omdat je je onbewust identificeert of verstrikt met iemand uit vroegere generaties. Bijvoorbeeld met iemand die ooit uit de familie werd verstoten, iemand die misbruikt werd, iemand met crimineel verleden, enzoverder. Ook al ken je die persoon niet of heb je er zelfs nooit van gehoord. Spooky.

De Fontein is een heel interessant boek dat weer mijn pad kruist op momenten dat ik antwoorden zoek (ook al had ik het boek een tijdje naast me in mijn slaapkamer liggen). Heel vernieuwende denkpistes alweer.

Ik wil nu vooral begrijpen waarom bepaalde gedragspatronen en voorvallen zo hardnekkig voorkomen in mijn leven. Zijn deze een resultaat van mijn opvoeding, mijn coping reacties op mijn scheiding van mijn biologische mama, mijn overlevingsstrategieën als geadopteerde? Of misschien zelfs een onbewuste identificatie met iemand uit de fontein – dus uit vroegere generaties van mijn biologische of mogelijk zelfs adoptiefamilie? Het liefst van al wil ik deze patronen doorbreken en misschien daarmee zelfs wel de lopende rekening.

Nadat ik een stuk verder in het boek ben geraakt, heb ik bij toeval ook een Canvas documentaire gezien over twee vrouwen die op zoek gaan naar hun Indische biologische mama. Ik kreeg via de Facebook groep voor geadopteerden de melding dat die documentaire dezelfde avond nog zou spelen, dus zo toevallig was het niet. Maar het is wel een mooie samenloop waarbij mijn inzichten van de fontein versterkt werden met emotionele momenten in deze documentaire.

De drang om mijn biologische familie te traceren wordt weer groter. Ik wil dolgraag weten in welke streek in India (?) ik geboren ben, hoe mijn biologische ouders eruit zien/welke karaktertrekken ik geërfd zou hebben, maar vooral het verhaal dat verklaart waarom ik in het weeshuis werd achtergelaten.

Misschien kan dat verhaal ook wel mijn weerkerende patronen verklaren. Misschien kan dat verhaal ook duiding geven over mijn missie hier op aarde, duiding geven aan angsten en achterdocht, misschien kan dat verhaal mij helpen begrijpen waarom ik bepaalde types vrouwen aantrek (of in sommige gevallen beter niet 🙂

Veel verwachtingen dus, maar er is nog tijd. Tijd om mijn plek in de fontein terug te vinden en terug in mijn kracht te gaan staan.

Twilight Zone

It has been some months since she left. Leaving me behind in a state of despair and confusion.
I didn’t want to belief, didn’t want to accept. Love suddenly became to me a total illusion.

Right after, I found myself hopelessly in a kind of mental state, most people would call it a depression. Reading, awakening, crying, sometimes wanting life to end, I fought back and made it a hard lesson.

Still I don’t understand, why it had to end.
What she told, I still try to unfold.
What was real, what was really meant?
Nevertheless, her words hit me till the bitter end.

I know, I should know better.
Don’t let someone’s perspective push you off your ladder.
Slowly I’m climbing up again, step-by-step to find back my authenticity.
Maybe it really is about synchronicity…

Incidents co-incidentally happen with a purpose in life.
Although sometimes it can feel like someone’s cutting you with a knife.
Slowly pushing you into an intended direction.
As if, everything was meant to be full of imperfection.

I recently crossed the path of another love.
I found what I need, but still regret I no longer have what I wanted.
Full of hope, I start to like what I need – even when the rollercoaster of emotions feels rough.
But I still regret I no longer have what I ever wanted.

In this twilight zone between despair and hope,
I still fight my every day demons while hanging on to my safety rope.

I realise I keep on pushing loved ones away,
Hard to understand as I just want them to stay.
People that love me, that want me.
I just don’t want them to hate me.

I just don’t want to be left alone.
Don’t want that feeling again of being abandoned far from home.
Help me understand, how I can nourish again the positive,
While fading out all negative.

I’m living in my twilight zone between despair and hope,
Hoping that synchronicity is my safety rope.

In search of completeness

“What does being happy really feels like?” I wondered today.

I’m sitting in my lounge seats overlooking my swimming pool on a day-off when the sun is boosting temperatures till over 30°. My cute boxer pup is laying next to me after having made me laugh with her playful moves. This should be a joyful moment, so why doesn’t it feel that way?

Happiness is to me a sense of feeling complete. When you don’t, you feel a certain emptiness in your heart, chest and often your mind is covered up in clouds like on a misty day. That’s why I personally think happiness is equal to feeling complete.

Believe me, that feeling of being incomplete, being lonely, is very painful. Even after I just spent time with my daughter, with friends, played drums in a band, went for horse riding, whatever,… as soon as I drive home alone, I feel lonely again. I could describe it as the same pain that one feels when one misses someone (my daughter?, my summer love?, my adoption mum who passed away last year, maybe even my birth mother whom I don’t have any reminiscence of,…?) I can’t tell… Maybe it’s really someone I’m unconsciously still connected to. I strangely do believe in that kind of connectedness.

So, when does one feel complete?

Some do feel complete when they have that family bond, that cute child or these lovely children, … I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when they live in that house with a garden or maybe in a lovely appartment… I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when they drive a fancy (company) car or bike. I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when they are in a relationship with a beautiful, sexy and preferably loving partner. I’m fine with that.

Some do feel complete when… whatever they have or strive for…

I do have or have been blessed with all of the above. But I seem to be less fine with that… (besides raising my daughter who is the love of my life of course :-).

I learned that, and I’m still graduating in this belief, that finding and loving your authentic self is the only way to make you feel complete. Everyone or everything else should be an added value to your life.

The emptiness I often feel, the pain of being lonely,… I was wondering about the what and why of that pressing feeling. I start realizing that it could be the disconnection with my true inner self, with my authentic self. It sounds crazy, but maybe my body or soul was signalling me that I’m disconnected from my own core.

Find yourself. Love yourself. And be amazed how some people will unexpectedly cross your path, how changes in your life suddenly will make sense – despite all pain of separation, regrets, disbelief, denial, … While I do completely echo this learning, I need to admit again that I’m not there yet.
Still not feeling complete in the sense that I describe above.

I’m still craving for that nice young lady with whom I can spend ages under a starry night enjoying olives and white wine, with whom I share joy but also deepest feelings, with whom I can get that family feeling back again, …

But again, this will not be what makes one complete. Don’t try to find the happiness outside of yourself, or in others. Other people come and go in your life.

Don’t try to find the lady or man that makes you feel complete. Rather believe that one day you cross the path of someone who recognizes and cherishes that you already do feel complete. If you are already with that person that feels and accepts your completeness, you are damn lucky and I’m really happy for you!

I wanted to write this post right after a new soulmate connection shared following wise words with me: “Sometimes one needs a heart break to open one’s heart to him or herself”.

As always, you can reach out to me if you have questions, want to exchange your thoughts, …
always welcome. Namaste.

Coming Home To Self

As promised earlier, I would dedicate a post to insights from Nancy Verrier’s second book “Coming Home To Self”.

Time is right to share my insights from this book but also to complete them with personal experiences from the past months.

The book “Coming Home To Self” is the successor of the “Primal Wound”. The “Primal Wound” describes the creation and subsequent impact of the wound when a child is relinquished by his/her birth mother. One of the main consequences of this primal wound is that the child develops coping mechanisms and behaviours which buries the child’s authentic self deep down below.  In her book “Coming Home To Self”, Nancy Verriers further deepens the understanding of the primal wound and provides direction on how to find one’s authentic self.

I have to admit that this book is quite hard to digest as it contains a lot of information and is written with a lot of scientific and psychological terminology. I understood that some chapters also have been written for therapists which explains the scientific tone of voice.

Nevertheless, this book provided key insights on how to start discovering my authentic self:

  • True personality is mostly genetic,
  • It’s difficult for adoption parents to know the true personality of the child. What they see instead is the child’s coping behavior, the way to deal with loss and the potential for future loss,
  • Trauma (like separation loss prior to adoption) transforms one from who one truly is to someone else,
  • A victim of a traumatic experience(e.g. Like rape, abuse, violence…) might still remember the trauma. An adoptee in most cases can’t. The adoptee does not have a reference point for authenticity (assuming adoption at a very young age),
  • Those of you who think you are being authentic because you have come to terms with your coping mechanisms and “like myself as I am” are in for  shock. It isn’t who you are…,
  • There are people in your lives who know more about your true personalities than you do yourselves. They are the people who love you and know that you aren’t your coping mechanisms. Sometime you try to prove them wrong by testing them and see if they will stick around,
  • There is a compulsion to repeat over and over again the abandonment scene (repetition compulsion),
  • We have to stop being victims, we can take our responsibility,
  • Some have remained victims and some have become survivors. But anyone who still has strong fears about intimacy, trust or control is not fully participating,
  • The important thing to remember is that you are neither your experience, nor your coping mechanisms. There is a basic, genuine person down there, someone who is aching to get out,
  • But where should I begin to become again my authentic self,
  • Begin with the little things that define you, begin with very concrete decisions, carefully choosing colors, spices, oils, places to walk, countries to visit, etc…,
  • You have to be true to yourself and discover what you like or what your opinions are,
  • When in doubt ask yourself the question: does it support or disturb my soul (aka the gut feeling)?,
  • As you discover your Self, it is important to allow others to discover You. Start with people you may not know well, because it is not such a risk. Take baby steps in order not to scare yourself too much,
  • You have to begin taking responsibility for the impact you have on yourself – stop sabotaging,
  • Healing begins with acknowledging what happened to you and knowing that you can’t change that,
  • As you grow in becoming more yourself, you will want to have a relationship that fits the new you,
  • Double set of standards: you feel you can do things to others, but you cannot tolerate others doing similar things to you – because you project your issues to others which you don’t want to see in yourself…,
  • The only person you need to have power over is yourself. I you have true inner power, you won’t feel the need to control or intimidate others,
  • In order to safeguard your own children as well as to make your own lifes more meaningful and peaceful, it is up to you to heal your wounds,
  • Allow yourself to be loved…

So, where am I on my path to uncovering my authentic self?

In the past weeks, months even, I discovered my affinity with spiritualism, writing (often poetic) texts on my emotional states, discovering beautiful spots in nature and sharing pictures that reflect it all.

This inner side that is slowly revealing, still feels as if it’s locked up behind windows (just like the beautiful sunset in the image). People can see it while I may not always realize that. I get a lot of positive and encouraging responses. The past weeks I get spontaneous invites to connect via social media, I get surprising messages in which women express their appreciation for that inner beauty growing and showing in me – often they like my spiritual nature, sometimes it’s the way how I phrase or perceive emotions and life challenges. Very encouraging for me and especially holding a mirror telling me how I progress, how I transform.

In parallel with this evolution, I also connect more with my adoption story. A story I have been ignoring for up to 40 years… I suddenly find myself in a network of (Indian) adoptees sharing their life events and experiences. A lot of similar life tracks, bumps in the road, life challenges but especially the same eagerness to accept that primal wound and it’s impact on their life.

I meanwhile also found several other adoptees that have lived with me in the orphanage in Mumbai before being adopted into Belgian families. What a small world after all. The bonding with people going through similar life phases and personal challenges is so critical and helpful in my healing process (and I hope it’s reciprocal).

Finally, I want to express that I’m probably not transforming although I keep on referring to my “transformation”. I realize more than ever that I’m not changing, but I’m revealing personality traits that always have been part of me. They finally found their way through the thick mud of coping behaviours and compliant thinking…

A promising future awaits me – that’s what I hear from a lot of people in my surrounding, but honestly, these changes scare me… Will I like this new version of me? Mohan 2.0? Will people like my new version? Will significant others still recognize me? Will it help me to get my summer love back?
Or will it tell me again that it was not meant to be and better times are awaiting me?

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